Vote 1 for Peninsula Dog Cults

Vote 1 for Peninsula Dog Cults

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The increase in dog-worship, and the proliferation of pampering cults on the peninsula, has a number of federal, state and local politicians wondering if the next election will be won not on the price of electricity, but on which party is most prominent in supporting the push for more canine inclusion.

State Labor was quick to join the pack with one press officer saying,

“With more and more singles, couples and families moving from the traditional ‘mutt model’ to ‘fur-baby’ we’d be barking mad not to acknowledge that our four-legged friends deserve a bigger piece of the policy pie. A number of measures are already underway, such as: low-table subsidies for dog-friendly restaurants and the formation of a squad of specially trained Canine Consideration Officers to ensure Victorian dogs are given enough loving attention.”

According to sources these squads will operate much like ticket inspectors, and visit dog parks and cafes across the state. Two permanent officers are planned for the peninsula. The gazetted job description emphasises, “…your role is to acknowledge the emotional investment dog owners make by creating a huge fuss over the physical (breed) and mental characteristics of the dogs you encounter and encouraging passers-by to do the same.” The job description also mentions various ‘goodwill initiatives’ such as offering to take care of any unfortunate ‘doggy droppings’ with specially learned ‘pinch-and-carry’ techniques.

Whilst it is easy to dismiss these moves as politically expedient there is little doubt that policy-makers have done their homework. There is a marked rise in premium grooming, high-quality food, specialised toys and canine healthcare. Australian households spent $12.4 billion on pet products last year – up 44% since 2013. Animal Medicines Australia (AMA), Ben Stapley, told ABC Radio, “ A number of services that people are spending money on didn’t even exist three or four years ago.”  The AMA reported that premium pet food has experienced strong growth. They attributed this to pets being treated more like family members. “Responsible pet ownership means that you want your pet to be as happy and healthy as possible,” Mr Stapley said.

A street survey in Mornington revealed that an overwhelming number of shoppers are dog mad. Jan Suminovic of Mount Martha has joined a growing band of pooch pamperers by purchasing a fur-baby buggy. “My little boy Ryan doesn’t like to walk,” she said. Ryan is a six year old toy poodle suffering from what Jan describes as, “Some very pricey dental issues.” Paul Edwards, also from Mount Martha, spoke to us while struggling to hold onto a lead attached to his Bernese Mountain Dog, Jeff. Paul wasn’t sold on the idea of training. “I don’t like telling my dog what to do.”

When asked if they would appreciate a bigger political push for dog rights both Jan and Paul were enthusiastic. “It’s time the powers that be appreciated the amount of trouble we go to to ensure our babies are happy,” said Jan. “After all, dogs are people too.”

Story by: Bud Rose